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What the f***, Andy?

An article in The Guardian caught my eye this morning; a very un-Guardian-like article. Apparently, during his Wimbledon defeat against Dimitrov yesterday, Andy was heard to mutter several expletives.

During the second set, he shouted, “Shut the f*** up!” And towards the end of the match, he said, “Five minutes before the f***ing match!”

Both of these intrigue me. Deeply. And darkly. And they also intrigue The Guardian, who, in an almost Daily Mail-esque moment comment slyly, “It was not immediately clear if this was a reference to some disagreement he had with his new coach, Amélie Mauresmo, or his team – or something else entirely.” Du du duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

Something else entirely, eh? What happened? Go on, Andy. Tell us. Spill forth in your usual jocular loquacious manner and tell us what happened five minutes before the match.

Did Kim dump you? Boooooooring.

Did she decide to wear the pink dress and accessorise with a white bag and strappy sandals, instead of the diamante jumpsuit you’d laid out for her?

Or perhaps, you were anally probed by aliens in a last ditch attempt to see if you were really human?

Ooooh. Ooooh. I know. They only had Robinson’s Fruit and Barley squash in the locker room, and not your favourite Summer Fruits? I’m right, aren’t I? That would tick me off too, Andy. Mr T always drinks the Summer Fruits first, even though he knows I don’t like the Orange and Pineapple one as much. It’s a hard burden to shoulder. I feel you.

Did you discover that white is not the new black, as you were led to believe, and were suddenly overcome with shame at your fashion faux pas?

Did a rabid baboon throw its faeces at you while dancing an Irish jig dressed in your lucky pants?

WHAT HAPPENED, ANDY???!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Oh, and also, who were you telling to “shut the f*** up?” The fairies in your head? Was Kim communicating telepathically again? Can you talk to ghosts? Don’t tell me it’s something boring like you were talking to yourself; don’t do that to me, Andy.)

 

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Betsy Loves, Culture

New balls, please!

I love Wimbledon. I think it holds a special place in my heart because my grandma used to love it too, so we’d compare notes. It also signals the drawing closeness of summer holidays, and always evokes images of lazy hazy summer evenings. Just lovely. But there are plenty of other reasons to love Wimbledon.

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Its official refreshment is strawberries and cream. Except when the officials panic that they’ll run out, and operate on a heavy rationing system. On average, each year they go through 28,000 kg (112,000 punnets)!

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It always rains (come on, that’s charming). In the past, the crowd has been entertained by impromptu serenades from Cliff Richard

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The ability to change Andy Murray’s identity from Scottish (when he’s losing) to British (when he’s winning)

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Official uniforms are designed by Ralph Lauren

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There’s always at least one amusing ball boy/girl incident

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Wild cards – lower ranking players given a chance to compete to increase British interest. Goran Ivanisevic won the Championship in 2001 with a Wild Card entry

Serena Williams of the U.S. hits a return to Barbora Zahlavova Strycova of the Czech Republic during their women's singles tennis match at the Wimbledon tennis championships in London

Classy white outfits demanded on court. The guidelines are pretty strict, but each year the Williams sisters try to outwit them

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Henman Hill, Murray Mount, this year, Robson Rise?

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Equal prize money for men and women

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The British ability to root for the underdog, always. In 2013, Sabine Lisicki knocked Serena Williams out in the fourth round, and went on to the finals

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Awkward Mexican waves

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Royal appearances

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‘New balls, please’ – lols. Changed after every 7-9 games

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Centre court – legendary

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BBC commentary – also legendary. Various gaffes have been made over the years, including Andrew Castle suggesting live that Andy Murray’s then-girlfriend, Kim Sears, was struggling to find a job…

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The grunting from both sexes. In 2012, it was suggested ‘gruntometers’ might be introduced to curb the female grunts

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The tears from both sexes

Come on, admit it, there’s a lot to love about Wimbledon. That’s my life sorted for the next two weeks. Here’s hoping Murray lifts another trophy, and Robson shows us what she’s made of.

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