So, I’ve been swimming a lot over the last month. And it’s been fun, mostly. I’ve lost 8lbs (woop!), but also gained some fun facts. Here you go:
- First up, and it’s a biggie and a no-brainer – don’t pee in the pool, people! We know this, it’s obvious, it’s also gross if you do. Why would you want to be swimming (however diluted) in someone else’s pee? Just because Olympic champion swimmer (and professional dumb ass) Ryan Lochte says swimmers always pee in pools, doesn’t mean you have to join in. And despite his thoughts that ‘[t]here’s something about getting into chlorine water that [makes] you just automatically go’, he’s wrong, ok? Chlorine water does not make you do that. That’s what bladder control is about, Ryan.
- Never wear a white swimming costume because it will go see through, and people will see your bits.
- Never wear a nude swimming costume because it will look like you’re naked and people will assume they’re seeing your bits.
- It is always an awesome day when locker number 007 is free.
- For a few hours after a swim, when you sweat you will always release a slight eau de cologne of chlorine.
- You will be nicknamed by your fellow swimmers. While I don’t know mine, I do know that regulars at my pool are known as Happy Slapper (slaps his hands down rather than dips), Naked Guy (see No.3), All The Gear (and presumably no idea, this swimmer has all the gadgets and still swims like a dying dog). I imagine my nickname must be something like Mesmerising Mermaid or Graceful Water Goddess. Certainly not The Hippo or The Manatee. God, I hope not!
- Skinny jeans are even harder to put on than usual. Not because of new bulging thigh muscles, but because of the clammy sweaty residue that clings to your body even after a cold shower and ten minutes of downtime.
- It is not acceptable to shave any parts of your body in the communal showers.
- Ditto getting naked in the communal showers.
- Water Zumba for the Over 60s looks like a blast!
- Goggles are annoying little buggers – the lenses get scratched, the straps get loose, and inevitably they let water in at some point. Also, they steam up. Ugh.
- You will probably find yourself goggling ‘swimming workouts’. Stop it.
- You find yourself racing people in the ‘slow’ and ‘medium’ lanes, because, apparently, you’ve turned into a competitive douchebag.
- You get righteously annoyed when you’re stuck behind someone slower than you, but feel your own steady pace is perfectly acceptable when there’s a faster swimmer up your butt.
- You can’t hear children scream underwater. Wow! That sounds sinister. But really, put your head (not a child’s) underwater and it’s incredibly peaceful.