This month, one particular feature in Glamour took my interest in which Stephen Armstrong details his envy of women. No surprise there; we are fabulous.
He’s jealous of our clothes choices (but of course!) and the ability to wear make up (thank god for foundation, and blusher, and mascara), while his friends are envious of the ease at which women make emotional connections, multi-task, can have multiple orgasms and even give birth (apparently the latter gives us a crash course in the meaning of life).
I am in 100% agreement regarding our clothing and make up options; both bring a lot of happiness into my life (shallow? moi?), although it’s worth noting that technically men are equally as capable of enjoying these two. But do all women make emotional connections more easily? I’m not so sure about that. Brother James could make friends with a stone, and as for multi-tasking, Mr T is quite capable of watching the football while playing Clash of the Clans on his phone.
Multiple orgasms? That’s all very well and good except plenty of women in their 20s and 30s struggle to orgasm at all while it seems that men (although they may need a few hours to recover in between bouts) can practically orgasm over anything as long as the physicality is right. Being able to grow a real life human being inside of you is definitely something to be envious of, but to be jealous of motherhood’s apparent ability to equip you with the meaning of life is to wilfully ignore the nine months of parasitical squatting, stretch marks, nausea, and the actual agonising tearing horror of the birth.
Stephen and his friends, they were coming from the right place – women are awesome – but the grass is always greener, yes?
So what have you boys got that I’m jealous of? It would appear that some are undeniable and inescapable physical differences (penises!), but others arise mainly from social expectations. I’m envious that men can:
- pee upright (useful in all manner of situations)
- perform any and every bodily function without being considered gross (we all fart, people, even the Queen; just let it go!)
- spend less money on their clothes but still end up with quality (have you seen the price discrepancy between Topshop and Topman? Not cool.)
- spend less money on haircuts (“£110 for a cut and full head of highlights? Are you serious?!”)
- jump in the shower, throw some clothes on and consider themselves ready (‘shit, shower and shave’ is a common, if vulgar, expression, I believe)
- watch a sad film and not automatically well up (The Notebook gets me every time)
- eat a single square of chocolate, not the whole bar, in one sitting (I swear, this is IMPOSSIBLE!)
- avoid four days of cramps and general inconvenience each month (you know what I’m talking about)
- have sex and never ever worry that they’re pregnant (I defy you to find a girl that hasn’t panicked about this at some point in their life)
- go out in public without make up and people won’t flinch (I can go out without make up, but people will flinch)
- always wear flat shoes, whatever the occasion (high heels are torture devices but must be worn with dresses to avoid stumpy leg syndrome)
- ignore stupid body hang-ups and syndromes like stumpy legs, thigh gaps, bikini bridges, muffin tops, bingo wings, cankles, armpit vaginas
- keep 90% of their body hair (except when they go bald – not jealous of that at all)
- eat so much more and lose weight fast if and when they set their mind to it (both scientific FACTS!)
- walk down a dark alley without having a key clenched in their fist ready to gouge someone’s eyes out
What would you add?