I love a good souvenir. Take me to a play and I’ll buy the programme; take me to a museum and I’ll buy the postcard; take me to a really good band, and I’ll even buy the t-shirt, but somewhere along the way, we’ve got to draw a line.
We all know the World Cup is around the corner (it starts on Thursday, FYI); we all know we live in England and therefore it’s assumed that’s the team we’ll be rooting for; and we all know it’s killjoy-ish of us not to get into the spirit of the thing, but I repeat, someone, somewhere, has to draw a line.
Today, that person is me.
Here are 26 World Cup souvenirs that you can really honestly do without; trust me.
The ‘We beat Italy’ t-shirt – just in case, we, you know, don’t
The inflatable England hand, because nothing beats the foam Gladiator ones, and everyone knows that
The phone cover, because we no longer accessorise our Nokias
The plush mascot, because you’re not a child (unless, of course, you’re a child)
The car flags, because you’re not a tool
The aerial toppers, because, again, you’re not a tool
The official FIFA bin, because, why?
The bucket hat, because this isn’t the 90s
The car dice, because you’re still not a tool
The inflatable infant chair, because you want to keep your kids alive
The glittery England cowboy hat, because you’re not on a hen party
The England earrings, because they won’t be made of silver and your ears will fall off
The fake tattoo England sleeve, because this is absolutely abhorrent
The flashing England t-shirt, because you don’t want to electrocute yourself
The official FIFA men’s fragrance, because you stopped using Lynx years ago (there’s also a women’s version but if you don’t wear Impulse, this probably isn’t for you either…)
The official 3 Lions gift bag, because why would you?
The ‘crazy’ England hat, because you’re not as craaaaazy as you think you are
The 3 Lion car hubs, because you’re not an underage boy racer
The England jester hat, because no one thinks your jokes are funny, and you’ll just look like a pillock
The England sleeveless tank top, because your guns aren’t that good
The England contact lenses, because you want to keep your eyesight, thank you very much
The England sunglasses, because you don’t want to look like you shop exclusively at Primark
The England vuvuzela, because you want to keep the few friends you have
The England wig, because even if you don’t have any hair of your own, you still have your dignity
The England wing mirror covers, because you’re absolutely and finally not a tool. Ok?
Last, but not least, the England socks, because no one will see them, and you’re crushing my sartorial soul