Culture, Fashion

26 World Cup souvenirs you don’t want, and why

I love a good souvenir. Take me to a play and I’ll buy the programme; take me to a museum and I’ll buy the postcard; take me to a really good band, and I’ll even buy the t-shirt, but somewhere along the way, we’ve got to draw a line.

We all know the World Cup is around the corner (it starts on Thursday, FYI); we all know we live in England and therefore it’s assumed that’s the team we’ll be rooting for; and we all know it’s killjoy-ish of us not to get into the spirit of the thing, but I repeat, someone, somewhere, has to draw a line.

Today, that person is me.

Here are 26 World Cup souvenirs that you can really honestly do without; trust me.

The 'We beat Italy' t-shirt - just in case, we, you know, don't

 The ‘We beat Italy’ t-shirt – just in case, we, you know, don’t

The inflatable England hand, because nothing beats the foam Gladiator ones, and everyone knows that

The inflatable England hand, because nothing beats the foam Gladiator ones, and everyone knows that

The phone cover, because we no longer accessorise our Nokias

 The phone cover, because we no longer accessorise our Nokias

The plush mascot (unless you're a child)

 The plush mascot, because you’re not a child (unless, of course, you’re a child)

The car flags, because you're not a tool

 The car flags, because you’re not a tool

The aerial toppers, because, again, you're not a tool

The aerial toppers, because, again, you’re not a tool

The official FIFA bin, because, why?

 The official FIFA bin, because, why?

The bucket hat, because this isn't the 90s

 The bucket hat, because this isn’t the 90s

The car dice, because you're still not a tool

 The car dice, because you’re still not a tool

The inflatable infant chair, because you want to keep your kids alive

 The inflatable infant chair, because you want to keep your kids alive

The glittery England cowboy hat, because you're not on a hen party

The glittery England cowboy hat, because you’re not on a hen party

The England earrings, because they won't be made of silver and your ears will fall off

 The England earrings, because they won’t be made of silver and your ears will fall off

The fake tattoo England sleeve, because this is absolutely abhorrent

 The fake tattoo England sleeve, because this is absolutely abhorrent

The flashing England t-shirt, because you don't want to electrocute yourself

 The flashing England t-shirt, because you don’t want to electrocute yourself

The official FIFA men's fragrance, because you stopped using Lynx years ago (there's also a women's version but if you don't wear Impulse, this probably isn't for you either...)

 The official FIFA men’s fragrance, because you stopped using Lynx years ago (there’s also a women’s version but if you don’t wear Impulse, this probably isn’t for you either…)

The official 3 Lions gift bag, because why would you?

 The official 3 Lions gift bag, because why would you?

The 'crazy' England hat, because you're not that crazy

 The ‘crazy’ England hat, because you’re not as craaaaazy as you think you are

The 3 Lion car hubs, because you're not an underage boy racer

The 3 Lion car hubs, because you’re not an underage boy racer

The England jester hat, because you don't want to look like a pillock

 The England jester hat, because no one thinks your jokes are funny, and you’ll just look like a pillock

The England sleeveless tank top, because your guns aren't that good

The England sleeveless tank top, because your guns aren’t that good

The England contact lenses, because you want to keep your eyesight, thank you very much

 The England contact lenses, because you want to keep your eyesight, thank you very much

The England sunglasses, because you don't want to look like you shop exclusively at Primark

The England sunglasses, because you don’t want to look like you shop exclusively at Primark

The England vuvuzela, because you want to keep the few friends you have

 The England vuvuzela, because you want to keep the few friends you have

The England wig, because even if you don't have any hair of your own, you still have your dignity

The England wig, because even if you don’t have any hair of your own, you still have your dignity

The England wing mirror covers, because you're absolutely and . finally not a tool. Ok?

 The England wing mirror covers, because you’re absolutely and finally not a tool. Ok?

The England socks, because no one will see them, and you're crushing my sartorial soul

Last, but not least, the England socks, because no one will see them, and you’re crushing my sartorial soul

Advertisements
Standard

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s