Mr T and I are going to a wedding this Saturday and I’m getting panicky about what I’m going to wear. It goes a little something like this…

• The one stone that I was going to lose has resolutely stayed put (helped in part by my writing diet)
• Now I’ve super bleached my hair, if I put fake tan on, will I look like Malibu Barbie like I did for my graduation (remind me to show that to you sometime; you know, when you fancy a laugh…)?
• One of the dresses I had earmarked is apparently too ‘wedding-y’, which we all know is a cardinal sin
• The other dress is too casual
• The ‘formal’ trousers I thought I’d discovered that would solve everything, turned out to look not so formal (read: I hate my thighs. They ruin everything. I will now asphyxiate myself in a vat of ice cream)
• I am broke and can’t afford to buy something new and flattering anyway
• The weather is all over the place so what might be great for a warm day is going to see me covered in goosebumps in the rain
• If I wear the dress I think I might have to, then I also have to wear high heels or risk my calves looking like meaty stumps. I can’t walk in high heels, or indeed do anything in high heels
• If I wear above dress, I will also need to wear control pants that start somewhere around my chin and end somewhere around my knees, thus making the whole day uncomfortable
• Can I wear my black leather jacket with above dress (blush pink lace by the way) or do I have to wear something ‘smarter’ like a cream blazer (which looks lovely when paired with skinny jeans, but makes me feel like a grandma when worn over above dress)?

Congratulations any man who has read this far, and ladies, you feel my pain, don’t you? I know I shouldn’t care about how I look, it’s all about the happy couple after all, but damn it, I DO care, and if I feel horrible I’ll want to crawl into a hole for the entire day. (Looking forward to it, Mr T?)

Why are weddings so hard to dress for?????